Tired of wandering apathetically through malls trying to find the perfect gift? Here are ten reasons why you should buy Dead Romans for anyone and everyone this Christmas.
10) Hot female celebrities love it.
I would totally do anyone who buys Dead Romans.
-Rihanna, hot female celebrity
9) Hot male celebrities love it.
I would totally do Rihanna. I mean, I would totally do anyone who buys Dead Romans.
-Justin Timberlake, hot male celebrity
8) It is endorsed by the best writers.
What the hell do you want me to say? ‘Dead Romans is great?’ Fine. Dead Romans is great. Now get off my lawn before I release the hounds.
-Jennifer Egan, author of A Visit from the Goon Squad
7) My publisher doesn’t charge for shipping.
I’ve made a terrible mistake.
-Ken Coffman, Stairway Press
6) That kid you went to school with actually wrote a book.
You’re shitting me. That kid that used to eat glue wrote a book? I always expected he would end up in one of those institutions that don’t allow metal cutlery.
-My best friend in third grade.
5) There is a lot of sex in it.
Wow. This thing is R-rated.
-My first editor.
4) It is historically accurate in every conceivable way.
I decided to drink a bottle of vodka and retire after reading Dead Romans. After this perfect book there’s nothing left to learn about the Roman Empire.
-Dr. Mary Beard, Professor of Classics at the University of Cambridge
3) It was almost nominated for the top literary awards.
I was going to nominate it, but then decided that wouldn’t be fair to all the other writers because they wouldn’t stand a chance.
-Paul C. Tash, Chairman of the Board of the Pultizer Prize
2) The Finnish Santa Claus thinks it is the perfect gift.
Perkele saatana vittu Dead Romans koskenkorva!
-Joulupukki, the Finnish Santa Claus
1) It is being studied in the best schools.
We ran out of colouring books.
-Judy Smith, kindergarten teacher
Note: All quotes are fabricated, except for my first editor, who really did call it ‘R-rated.’ The Finnish Santa Claus quote might be fairly accurate, too.